This journal's a bit personal, I'm afraid. There's a bit of emo in here, so if you're not looking for a moodkiller then don't read too far. I'm sort of posting this here because really, I don't have many other places to post it, and I've held this in for a while now. It's sort of got to come out?
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So, Highschool is coming to an end for me. I've been accepted to UBC Okanagan among a few others, though I've accepted UBCO at the current moment. If UBC Vancouver accepts me I'll see about transferring there, but for now Kelowna is where I'm headed.

I'm having a few problems, mentally, that are putting me on question on whether I can handle University or not. I've known for quite some time now that I'm mentally unstable. I have anxiety issues, seasonal depression alongside mild bi-polar disorder, minor tourettes and psychosis. This isn't really something I've talked about with anyone, but where do I start? I don't want to be put on medication, I don't believe that popping a pill will solve all my problems. I've been working on dealing with these issues by myself since about seventh grade, but things have been getting worse as time goes on, not better.

I usually blame all these problems on stress and seasonal depression, but in the last three weeks I am finding that the stress is nearly gone, summer is at my doorstep and yet I still have moments were it's all I can do from dissolving into the wild cascading thoughts that swirl my head.
I've been reading about Autistic people and how they might not actually lack emotion, but be super empathetic, feeling so much of it they block things out. This is what it feels like at times. I lose my sensation of self to the flood of random, strange and demanding thoughts in my head. It lasts for about two to eight seconds, but I come back dazed and confused, a stranger in my own body for several minutes. This happens about once every hour or two, more in the winter.

I've also been losing time recently. It goes a bit like this:
Around 9:00, half way through Calculus I will suddenly 'wake up' and it'll be 11:45. I will be sitting at my usual lunch spot with my bags open and my meal out in front of me, sometimes half eaten. I have a vague if any memory of the second half of Calculus, similarly with Architecture, and although usually I have the notes to fill in the holes in my memory but sometimes I don't, leaving me scrambling to figure out what just happened for the last two and a half hours.
Repeat for Chemistry to the last bit of English or even into Club time. Naturally, my grades have suffered because of this but I've had to double up my efforts in order to keep things from slipping too far. Three more weeks... three more weeks...

Oh, and minor tourettes, since it's the closest thing I can think of to what I experience. It's like, for a split second my mouth and brain are disconnected. I blurt things out, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I do it more often in quiet places, making the issue all the worse in a library. Thankfully I've been able to turn down my volume over time, but the blips are becoming more frequent. Common phrases are 'I love you' 'I hate this place' 'Mama' 'Why?', alongside a list of profanities, some more creative than others. Like I said, minor tourettes. Closest thing I can think of.

Seasonal affective disorder, SADS, or Winter Depression, is also something I suffer from. The worst is gone for now, leaving me with mood swing madness on rainydays and absolute mania on these sunny ones. I can expect a few months of being so happy it's scary while summer lasts, but late August I'll start the slow decline back into an all-smothering depression. Goodie!

And last but not least, anxiety issues. I can't talk to anyone more than four years older than I am without crying. This makes teachers very difficult deal with, so I try hard to stay out of trouble and the like. It's an automatic reaction, like breathing. I talk to a twenty-something, I start to tear up and have to bite my lip to keep a straight face. I've learned a few tips and tricks, for instance, like looking down/to the side/somewhere else. This is hard, since it's only started in the past two years and before that I've always looked people straight in the eyes while I spoke to them, a respect thing I suppose.
And stress, of course. Something I'm always under yet still can't seem to handle. Ah well.
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Come this September I'll be moving out of my homes and into UBC's Dorms, four hours from home without a car or any considerable amount of cash. You can see why I'm anxious about being on my own, but I'm excited, too. I want to move out, I really do. I desire responsibility and independence just about as much as I desire breath. It's something that's been crawling under my skin for years, the desire to break out, get away from here and start my own life. Maybe in new surroundings I'll be able to find a cure for this, or at least better ways to cope with madness than I have right now. If anything, these next three and a half weeks will serve as a challenging and entertaining end to my Highschool years. Maybe it's just the Mania, but I'm optimistic about this and how it's going to end. My whole life has been leading down to the next little bit, so it's time to see if I'm just as ready for life as I think I am, inanity and all.